The clouds...

I went outside to see the stars.
I walked until I could find a good place to sit and watch.
I looked up.
There were no stars.
There was no moon.
There was only clouds.
Big, black clouds,
always there,
getting in the way of something beautiful.

Time.

I haven't written for a while,
so hello.
You.
Sitting there reading this.
Wondering why.
Trying to relate.
Trying to see what's in my head.
You.
Come sit with me.
Let me show you.
This is my voice.
These are my thoughts.
I say that a lot.
And I don't usually say what they are.
The reason for that,
is that I don't know what they are.
I can't tell you what I don't know,
am I right?
I don't know.
I don't care much.
But what I do care about,
are your thoughts.
Tell me who you are.
Not just your name but who you are.
Tell me what your views are on anything and everything.
Make me laugh,
Make me cry,
Make me happy,
sad,
mad,
intrigued.
Tell me.

Today...

Today is my birthday.
No I'm not celebrating,
Reason 1 being I already did.
July 4th when my family came over to my house.
That was my party.
When people had to come over anyway.
Today what I want,
What I really really want,
is to just leave.
To not be here.
To not be at my dad's.
To be gone.
I want today to be about me leaving.
I want today to be about me seeing new things,
Meeting new people,
Doing whatever I can to be out just a little bit longer.
But that won't happen.
Not because of lack of trying,
No.
It will be because the people I love,
they live too far away to see.
And th people I can stand,
Well.
Let's just say that there's not many.
Few and far apart.
That's what the happy moments in my life have been at least.
Few and far apart.
I don't want to be emo,
depressed,
whatever.
And I'm not.
But I"m not happy.
I don't think one person truly is.
I don't think any one person could say "Everything in my life is going right.
Every single thing I want, I have.
And every single day,
I wake up with a smile on my face."
No...
We all have our rain clouds.
We all have things that make us unhappy.
That make us angry.
That make us sad.
That make us want to do something reckless.
That make us need someone...
or something to love.
So this is my opinion of what we should do to make the best:
Try to be happy with who, where, and what you are.
And if you don't know one of those things,
Don't spend your life trying to find it.
Because you'll waste your days away looking for something that you can't see.

Emotions

The computer can make emotions so fake.
;.; is crying.
Does that really show how we feel?
Gosh we use these symbols like they're our only form of expression.
All we have to do to stop talking to someone online is "block" them.
Uh oh, I blocked you so I hate you.
or I moved you down on my top friends,
so that must mean I'm mad at you.
Or maybe it's just because I only have people on my myspace that I actually talk to.
Not ones who want "friends" who they can't hang out with.
Is that really a friend?
I don't know.
I mean I guess I have a few friends that I never see,
but always talk to.
Or always see,
but never talk to.
I watched a movie today.
It was a wonderful movie about brains getting erased and such.
Anyways,
there was a line that I just can't get out of my head.
"Just because you talk constantly doesn't mean you're really communicating."
Aren't those the most truthful words you've ever read,
or heard,
or imagined?
You can talk to someone for hours and hours,
and only know the side they want you to see.
People can be so fake when it comes to what others can see.
Like take me for instance,
I will never let anyone know something is wrong if it's their fault.
Someone said this about me once:
"you don't want me to feel guilty over things i have no control over, therefore you tell me that things are fine and that you're okay, no matter what, even if you're dying inside just because you don't want to be a burden to anyone."
And it's mostly true.
And my one friend,
she just wants to be exactly like whoever she's hanging out with.
She will just do exactly as the other one does,
except she'll do it sneakily,
and people almost don't notice.
But they do.
And another friend of mine,
he just wants to show people that he can do this.
No matter what it is.
"I can fix this,
I can take that on.
I can smoke
and drink
way more than you can.
I'm better than you."
We don't know why we're like that.
We just are.
It's how we function.
We always have to hide
or copy
or outdo
or want.
We are all afraid.
Afraid people won't like us,
afraid we'll do something wrong,
afraid we'll do something right,
afraid we won't be loved,
afraid we'll be loved by the wrong person,
afraid we'll be used,
afraid we'll use others,
afraid to be us!
I don't get it,
and I doubt any psychologist,
or psychiatrist,
or whatever fucking brain doctors there are,
really do.

People

How is it that all we want is for someone to ask us what's wrong,
but then when they finally do,
We have nothing to tell them?
Well I don't know why,
But that's how I am.
So I'm sorry to anyone that confuses,
offends,
hurts,
etc.
But I really don't care if it does any of that stuff.
I don't care if you're hurt by my words,
All I'm going to do is speak the truth.
I don't care if you're offended,
No matter what I say there will be someone who has to be.
I don't care if you're confused,
You probably shouldn't be reading this if you are though.
Or maybe you should.
Maybe I will answer every question you've ever had,
or maybe I"ll be no help at all.
We'll just have to see.
That's all we can do.
We can't look into a crystal ball,
no matter how much we want to,
and see the future.
All we can do is be ready.
Expect the best,
and Prepare for the worst.
And get lost along the way,
or else the trip is no fun.

Persistance

I tried to type this.
And it all got deleted.
It was just getting good too.
I had the repetition.
I had the insight.
And then I realized,
it doesn't really matter.
Who reads this?
Who cares?
Why's this matter?
Who am I anyway?
Why do I have these opinions?
I don't know what I think,
What I know,
Who I am,
Who I want to be!
Why would you care about what some random person online has to say?
I hope someone does.
Someday.
Someone asked me today:
"How do you expect your blog to become world famous if you don't write in it all the time?"
And I'm not sure.
I'm not sure I want everyone reading this.
I"m not sure I want everyone to know my deepest thoughts.
My greatest ideas.
But you know what?
I don't care about how,
I just want what I say to be out there.
Steal my ideas and my words and my opinions.
Just let everyone know them.
Pass it on.
Pay it forward.
Just listen.

Love

What is love?
I mean there's a love of a car or a song or that perfect day when it's not quite summer but not quite fall yet and you go outside just to feel the breeze.
There is a paternal love between a parent and a child when the child can't do anything without starting off wit it's parents.
There is the love between two people who care for eachother so deeply that they would do anything at all just to make the other happy.
They hold on to eachother tight and the worst part of the day is when they have to branch off.
But they always know that the other will come back to them.
I know what you cynics are thinking: Love doesn't exist, what the fuck are you talking about?
And the romantics are thinking: Awe that's so sweet, why would people ever think love doesn't exist?
And the realists are thinking: This chick doesn't know me, she can't read my mind.
And the rest of you are thinking: Why am I still reading this?
Well while you're all thinking about it, I'm living it.
I don't have to think about it.
It's done.
I'm in love.
That's all there is to say this time.
I'm in love.
I can cross #2 off my list.

Secrets

Everyone has secrets, right?
What is one thing that you really want to say, but don't want to be judged about?
But don't want to be rejected about?
I'm not sure if I do or not.
I mean you guys don't know who I am,
the whole 0 people that read this.
And you don't know how old I am.
So I guess I have a few little secrets.
But you know my views.
You know my opinions, or some of them.
And if you keep reading, you'll know more and more.
So I mean, the name and face and age don't really matter, do they?
I mean, unless you care about that stuff.
Maybe I'm "Too old" or "Too young" to even have the views that I do.
Maybe I'm too ugly or too pretty to be as dumb or smart as I am.
Maybe if you knew my name, if you knew my face, my age, my body,
Maybe you wouldn't like me as much.
Maybe you would like me more.
Maybe, just maybe, you'd fall in love.
But you'll never know that.
You're online.
I can't see you,
You can't see me.
So why are you reading this?
I don't think you are.
I don't think anyone does.
I like to think I make a difference.
But I don't.
Everyone wants to think they make a difference.
But about 80% don't.
That's a lie.
EVERYONE makes a difference.
No matter what you think of yourself.
YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE/THING'S LIFE!
You may think you suck.
But everything you do has an after effect.
Everything you say.
Everything you feel
or want
or need
or love.
You do matter.
YOU MATTER.
That's why it boggles my mind when people want to kill themselves.
I've been tired with life before.
Hell, I've cut before and hurt myself on purpose.
I get why people do it.
They want to be distracted from the pain they feel.
They want to be in control of SOMETHING finally.
It's an unhealthy outlet.
I hate to hear or see that someone is being hurt.
Don't put people down.
Don't hurt on purpose.
And if you can, don't hurt by accident either.
Allthough I know the definition of accident.
And everyone makes them.
Don't be ashamed of accidents that you've made.
As long as you see that they were wrong,
then it doesn't matter so much.
I don't know.
I never know.
Who knows?

Music

What is it?
Music is water dripping from the faucet.
Music is the city sound.
Music is whatever you want it to be.
The same with art.
The same with love.
The same with life.
We invent our worlds.
Sure, they're usually basted on things we've seen before.
Letters.
Numbers.
Mountains.
Rivers.
People.
Buildings.
Cars.
But it's still, for the most part, our own world.
It's not going to be soon.
Government wants to get into our heads.
Pick our brains.
And leave us with nothing but a newfound self hate.
They want us to believe that "normal" is the right way.
They want us to believe that they can make everything in our lives better.
They want to put us down just so they can bring us back up again and look like the good guy.
Well this is what I have to say to "them."
FUCK YOU!
Fuck the people who say you're too fat,
too skinny,
too weird,
too obnoxious,
too outgoing,
too shy,
too fucked up,
not pretty enough,
not happy enough,
not girly enough,
not "macho" enough,
not healthy enough,
not "normal" enough!
YOU ARE YOU!
I AM ME!
WE ARE REAL PEOPLE,
WITH REAL FEELINGS!
WE GET HURT WHEN YOU PUT US DOWN!
WE GET HAPPY WHEN YOU PICK US UP!
Pick someone up today.
Even if they put you down,
it means they're insecure with themselves.
They need a pick up.
One little compliment,
one little sentence,
could make someone's day....


or break it.

So do something productive instead of destructive!
Help me make sure we're not the lazy generation.

Boring days.

Today is just one of those days.
One of those borning days that no one likes to begin with,
but when they get older they wish they had more of them.
I'm not older yet.
I don't want anymore boring days.
Being bored leads to thinking.
Which leads to thinking too much.
And I'd rather not.
I don't think anyone wants to think too much.
I don't think anyone wants to make their minds boggle about nothing.
I don't think anyone wants to think about themselves.
I don't think anyone wants to think badly about themselves, anyway.
I don't want to sound like something is wrong.
Because nothing is really wrong.
It's just nothing is really right.
Have you ever had that feeling?
Where you can't tell if things are okay,
so you just keep going and going and going.
But you're not sure about anything.
Any choices.
Anything you do.
Anything you think.
Anything you like, or don't.
What is this life for?
What is this day for?
What is your voice for?!
YELL!
SCREAM!
What are your legs for?
WALK!
RUN!
DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING!
What are your arms for?
HOLD EACHOTHER CLOSE!
NEVER LET YOUR LOVES GO!
What is your brain for?
THINK FOR YOURSELF!
THINK!
THINK!
What are emotions for?
FEEL!
FEEL!
FEEL!
FEEL!
FEEL!
I can't tell you what to do.
I can only give suggestions.
But the best suggrestion I could ever give to you is to feel.
Feel love.
Feel loss.
Feel pain.
Feel happiness.
Feel the things you've been afraid to feel.
And feel the things you take for granted.

Let's just say....

I'm not the most interesting of people.
So why are you reading this?
Weirdo.
But.
I do have dreams and goals.
And this is my list, for now.
In the order I thought of them,
not the order of importance.

1. Catch a T-shirt at a concert
2. Fall in love
3. Get married
4. Get a pottery studio
5. Sell post maid in said studio
6. Get into college
7. Finish college
8. Go to Vans Warped Tour
9. Sky dive
10. Cave Dive
11. Buy a tuxedo shirt
12. DON'T get divorced
13. Star in a commercial
14. Get brought back to life
15. Keep a journal of my life (Hopefully this will be the journal)
16. Meet Patrick*
17. Make a best friend
18. Meet Lonnie
19. Be happy
20. Write a song or story that gets famous

That's all for now.
I'm sure I'll have more to add.
And I'm sure some of those sound really juvenile to you.
But I can be pretty juvenile.

*Names are always changed.

Just to Start...

I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to say.
My name is unimportant.
And these are my thoughts.
Or will be when I start "blogging."
Not today, loves.
Not today.