Depression.

I haven't posted on here for quite a while.
It's hard to write when you've nothing to write about.
Well I finally do.
Which sucks.
Because it's depressing.
Because I'm depressed.
You can take joy in this if you'd like,
I wouldn't blame you.
I've probably been mean to you in the past.
I've probably called you a name,
or said something bad about you,
and you don't even realize.
You don't even know who I am.
Well that's good, because neither do I.
All I know is that I'm lonely.
I'm lonelier than ever before.
Depressed.
Sad.
Pissed.
And no one realizes it.
Not my parents,
Not the people at school,
Not even my best friend can tell that I'm always holding back tears,
Always on the verge of breaking down,
Of giving up.
I know what you're thinking,
"This girl is a fucking suicidal maniac who no one cares about and I need to get myself off of her blog before some of it rubs off on me."
Well go ahead.
Leave.
Just like everyone else did.
But you know what,
you're wrong about the suicidal thing.
And you're wrong about no one caring.
Lots of people care.
I just push everyone away.
I'm not trying to complain,
I'm just trying to vent.
I would never kill myself,
I'm too strong...
But more so, My family is too weak.
I would NEVER do that to the people I love.
I'll just walk by you in the hallway,
Maybe I'll even smile.
But you can look at me and say to your friend that you're walking with,
"That girl is always smiling, idk how someone can be happy all the time."
Well here's your answer,
I'm not.
I'm not happy when I'm smiling and laughing at a joke you just said,
I'm not happy when I'm sitting in bed alone at eight thirty on a Friday night trying to find something to do, even though I know there will be nothing because no one is there to hang out with.
I'm not happy when I have to resort to hanging out with my mother, who is also my best friend, just because I'm bored.
I'm not happy.
I never was.
I've accepted that I probably never will be.