Today is my birthday.
No I'm not celebrating,
Reason 1 being I already did.
July 4th when my family came over to my house.
That was my party.
When people had to come over anyway.
Today what I want,
What I really really want,
is to just leave.
To not be here.
To not be at my dad's.
To be gone.
I want today to be about me leaving.
I want today to be about me seeing new things,
Meeting new people,
Doing whatever I can to be out just a little bit longer.
But that won't happen.
Not because of lack of trying,
No.
It will be because the people I love,
they live too far away to see.
And th people I can stand,
Well.
Let's just say that there's not many.
Few and far apart.
That's what the happy moments in my life have been at least.
Few and far apart.
I don't want to be emo,
depressed,
whatever.
And I'm not.
But I"m not happy.
I don't think one person truly is.
I don't think any one person could say "Everything in my life is going right.
Every single thing I want, I have.
And every single day,
I wake up with a smile on my face."
No...
We all have our rain clouds.
We all have things that make us unhappy.
That make us angry.
That make us sad.
That make us want to do something reckless.
That make us need someone...
or something to love.
So this is my opinion of what we should do to make the best:
Try to be happy with who, where, and what you are.
And if you don't know one of those things,
Don't spend your life trying to find it.
Because you'll waste your days away looking for something that you can't see.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Emotions
The computer can make emotions so fake.
;.; is crying.
Does that really show how we feel?
Gosh we use these symbols like they're our only form of expression.
All we have to do to stop talking to someone online is "block" them.
Uh oh, I blocked you so I hate you.
or I moved you down on my top friends,
so that must mean I'm mad at you.
Or maybe it's just because I only have people on my myspace that I actually talk to.
Not ones who want "friends" who they can't hang out with.
Is that really a friend?
I don't know.
I mean I guess I have a few friends that I never see,
but always talk to.
Or always see,
but never talk to.
I watched a movie today.
It was a wonderful movie about brains getting erased and such.
Anyways,
there was a line that I just can't get out of my head.
"Just because you talk constantly doesn't mean you're really communicating."
Aren't those the most truthful words you've ever read,
or heard,
or imagined?
You can talk to someone for hours and hours,
and only know the side they want you to see.
People can be so fake when it comes to what others can see.
Like take me for instance,
I will never let anyone know something is wrong if it's their fault.
Someone said this about me once:
"you don't want me to feel guilty over things i have no control over, therefore you tell me that things are fine and that you're okay, no matter what, even if you're dying inside just because you don't want to be a burden to anyone."
And it's mostly true.
And my one friend,
she just wants to be exactly like whoever she's hanging out with.
She will just do exactly as the other one does,
except she'll do it sneakily,
and people almost don't notice.
But they do.
And another friend of mine,
he just wants to show people that he can do this.
No matter what it is.
"I can fix this,
I can take that on.
I can smoke
and drink
way more than you can.
I'm better than you."
We don't know why we're like that.
We just are.
It's how we function.
We always have to hide
or copy
or outdo
or want.
We are all afraid.
Afraid people won't like us,
afraid we'll do something wrong,
afraid we'll do something right,
afraid we won't be loved,
afraid we'll be loved by the wrong person,
afraid we'll be used,
afraid we'll use others,
afraid to be us!
I don't get it,
and I doubt any psychologist,
or psychiatrist,
or whatever fucking brain doctors there are,
really do.
;.; is crying.
Does that really show how we feel?
Gosh we use these symbols like they're our only form of expression.
All we have to do to stop talking to someone online is "block" them.
Uh oh, I blocked you so I hate you.
or I moved you down on my top friends,
so that must mean I'm mad at you.
Or maybe it's just because I only have people on my myspace that I actually talk to.
Not ones who want "friends" who they can't hang out with.
Is that really a friend?
I don't know.
I mean I guess I have a few friends that I never see,
but always talk to.
Or always see,
but never talk to.
I watched a movie today.
It was a wonderful movie about brains getting erased and such.
Anyways,
there was a line that I just can't get out of my head.
"Just because you talk constantly doesn't mean you're really communicating."
Aren't those the most truthful words you've ever read,
or heard,
or imagined?
You can talk to someone for hours and hours,
and only know the side they want you to see.
People can be so fake when it comes to what others can see.
Like take me for instance,
I will never let anyone know something is wrong if it's their fault.
Someone said this about me once:
"you don't want me to feel guilty over things i have no control over, therefore you tell me that things are fine and that you're okay, no matter what, even if you're dying inside just because you don't want to be a burden to anyone."
And it's mostly true.
And my one friend,
she just wants to be exactly like whoever she's hanging out with.
She will just do exactly as the other one does,
except she'll do it sneakily,
and people almost don't notice.
But they do.
And another friend of mine,
he just wants to show people that he can do this.
No matter what it is.
"I can fix this,
I can take that on.
I can smoke
and drink
way more than you can.
I'm better than you."
We don't know why we're like that.
We just are.
It's how we function.
We always have to hide
or copy
or outdo
or want.
We are all afraid.
Afraid people won't like us,
afraid we'll do something wrong,
afraid we'll do something right,
afraid we won't be loved,
afraid we'll be loved by the wrong person,
afraid we'll be used,
afraid we'll use others,
afraid to be us!
I don't get it,
and I doubt any psychologist,
or psychiatrist,
or whatever fucking brain doctors there are,
really do.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
People
How is it that all we want is for someone to ask us what's wrong,
but then when they finally do,
We have nothing to tell them?
Well I don't know why,
But that's how I am.
So I'm sorry to anyone that confuses,
offends,
hurts,
etc.
But I really don't care if it does any of that stuff.
I don't care if you're hurt by my words,
All I'm going to do is speak the truth.
I don't care if you're offended,
No matter what I say there will be someone who has to be.
I don't care if you're confused,
You probably shouldn't be reading this if you are though.
Or maybe you should.
Maybe I will answer every question you've ever had,
or maybe I"ll be no help at all.
We'll just have to see.
That's all we can do.
We can't look into a crystal ball,
no matter how much we want to,
and see the future.
All we can do is be ready.
Expect the best,
and Prepare for the worst.
And get lost along the way,
or else the trip is no fun.
but then when they finally do,
We have nothing to tell them?
Well I don't know why,
But that's how I am.
So I'm sorry to anyone that confuses,
offends,
hurts,
etc.
But I really don't care if it does any of that stuff.
I don't care if you're hurt by my words,
All I'm going to do is speak the truth.
I don't care if you're offended,
No matter what I say there will be someone who has to be.
I don't care if you're confused,
You probably shouldn't be reading this if you are though.
Or maybe you should.
Maybe I will answer every question you've ever had,
or maybe I"ll be no help at all.
We'll just have to see.
That's all we can do.
We can't look into a crystal ball,
no matter how much we want to,
and see the future.
All we can do is be ready.
Expect the best,
and Prepare for the worst.
And get lost along the way,
or else the trip is no fun.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Persistance
I tried to type this.
And it all got deleted.
It was just getting good too.
I had the repetition.
I had the insight.
And then I realized,
it doesn't really matter.
Who reads this?
Who cares?
Why's this matter?
Who am I anyway?
Why do I have these opinions?
I don't know what I think,
What I know,
Who I am,
Who I want to be!
Why would you care about what some random person online has to say?
I hope someone does.
Someday.
Someone asked me today:
"How do you expect your blog to become world famous if you don't write in it all the time?"
And I'm not sure.
I'm not sure I want everyone reading this.
I"m not sure I want everyone to know my deepest thoughts.
My greatest ideas.
But you know what?
I don't care about how,
I just want what I say to be out there.
Steal my ideas and my words and my opinions.
Just let everyone know them.
Pass it on.
Pay it forward.
Just listen.
And it all got deleted.
It was just getting good too.
I had the repetition.
I had the insight.
And then I realized,
it doesn't really matter.
Who reads this?
Who cares?
Why's this matter?
Who am I anyway?
Why do I have these opinions?
I don't know what I think,
What I know,
Who I am,
Who I want to be!
Why would you care about what some random person online has to say?
I hope someone does.
Someday.
Someone asked me today:
"How do you expect your blog to become world famous if you don't write in it all the time?"
And I'm not sure.
I'm not sure I want everyone reading this.
I"m not sure I want everyone to know my deepest thoughts.
My greatest ideas.
But you know what?
I don't care about how,
I just want what I say to be out there.
Steal my ideas and my words and my opinions.
Just let everyone know them.
Pass it on.
Pay it forward.
Just listen.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Love
What is love?
I mean there's a love of a car or a song or that perfect day when it's not quite summer but not quite fall yet and you go outside just to feel the breeze.
There is a paternal love between a parent and a child when the child can't do anything without starting off wit it's parents.
There is the love between two people who care for eachother so deeply that they would do anything at all just to make the other happy.
They hold on to eachother tight and the worst part of the day is when they have to branch off.
But they always know that the other will come back to them.
I know what you cynics are thinking: Love doesn't exist, what the fuck are you talking about?
And the romantics are thinking: Awe that's so sweet, why would people ever think love doesn't exist?
And the realists are thinking: This chick doesn't know me, she can't read my mind.
And the rest of you are thinking: Why am I still reading this?
Well while you're all thinking about it, I'm living it.
I don't have to think about it.
It's done.
I'm in love.
That's all there is to say this time.
I'm in love.
I can cross #2 off my list.
I mean there's a love of a car or a song or that perfect day when it's not quite summer but not quite fall yet and you go outside just to feel the breeze.
There is a paternal love between a parent and a child when the child can't do anything without starting off wit it's parents.
There is the love between two people who care for eachother so deeply that they would do anything at all just to make the other happy.
They hold on to eachother tight and the worst part of the day is when they have to branch off.
But they always know that the other will come back to them.
I know what you cynics are thinking: Love doesn't exist, what the fuck are you talking about?
And the romantics are thinking: Awe that's so sweet, why would people ever think love doesn't exist?
And the realists are thinking: This chick doesn't know me, she can't read my mind.
And the rest of you are thinking: Why am I still reading this?
Well while you're all thinking about it, I'm living it.
I don't have to think about it.
It's done.
I'm in love.
That's all there is to say this time.
I'm in love.
I can cross #2 off my list.
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