Stumbles.

This is becoming my stumble blog. I'll still blog in between. But this is where all my good stumbles will end up. (: If you're interested. Like this one:

Depression.

I haven't posted on here for quite a while.
It's hard to write when you've nothing to write about.
Well I finally do.
Which sucks.
Because it's depressing.
Because I'm depressed.
You can take joy in this if you'd like,
I wouldn't blame you.
I've probably been mean to you in the past.
I've probably called you a name,
or said something bad about you,
and you don't even realize.
You don't even know who I am.
Well that's good, because neither do I.
All I know is that I'm lonely.
I'm lonelier than ever before.
Depressed.
Sad.
Pissed.
And no one realizes it.
Not my parents,
Not the people at school,
Not even my best friend can tell that I'm always holding back tears,
Always on the verge of breaking down,
Of giving up.
I know what you're thinking,
"This girl is a fucking suicidal maniac who no one cares about and I need to get myself off of her blog before some of it rubs off on me."
Well go ahead.
Leave.
Just like everyone else did.
But you know what,
you're wrong about the suicidal thing.
And you're wrong about no one caring.
Lots of people care.
I just push everyone away.
I'm not trying to complain,
I'm just trying to vent.
I would never kill myself,
I'm too strong...
But more so, My family is too weak.
I would NEVER do that to the people I love.
I'll just walk by you in the hallway,
Maybe I'll even smile.
But you can look at me and say to your friend that you're walking with,
"That girl is always smiling, idk how someone can be happy all the time."
Well here's your answer,
I'm not.
I'm not happy when I'm smiling and laughing at a joke you just said,
I'm not happy when I'm sitting in bed alone at eight thirty on a Friday night trying to find something to do, even though I know there will be nothing because no one is there to hang out with.
I'm not happy when I have to resort to hanging out with my mother, who is also my best friend, just because I'm bored.
I'm not happy.
I never was.
I've accepted that I probably never will be.

The clouds...

I went outside to see the stars.
I walked until I could find a good place to sit and watch.
I looked up.
There were no stars.
There was no moon.
There was only clouds.
Big, black clouds,
always there,
getting in the way of something beautiful.

Time.

I haven't written for a while,
so hello.
You.
Sitting there reading this.
Wondering why.
Trying to relate.
Trying to see what's in my head.
You.
Come sit with me.
Let me show you.
This is my voice.
These are my thoughts.
I say that a lot.
And I don't usually say what they are.
The reason for that,
is that I don't know what they are.
I can't tell you what I don't know,
am I right?
I don't know.
I don't care much.
But what I do care about,
are your thoughts.
Tell me who you are.
Not just your name but who you are.
Tell me what your views are on anything and everything.
Make me laugh,
Make me cry,
Make me happy,
sad,
mad,
intrigued.
Tell me.

Today...

Today is my birthday.
No I'm not celebrating,
Reason 1 being I already did.
July 4th when my family came over to my house.
That was my party.
When people had to come over anyway.
Today what I want,
What I really really want,
is to just leave.
To not be here.
To not be at my dad's.
To be gone.
I want today to be about me leaving.
I want today to be about me seeing new things,
Meeting new people,
Doing whatever I can to be out just a little bit longer.
But that won't happen.
Not because of lack of trying,
No.
It will be because the people I love,
they live too far away to see.
And th people I can stand,
Well.
Let's just say that there's not many.
Few and far apart.
That's what the happy moments in my life have been at least.
Few and far apart.
I don't want to be emo,
depressed,
whatever.
And I'm not.
But I"m not happy.
I don't think one person truly is.
I don't think any one person could say "Everything in my life is going right.
Every single thing I want, I have.
And every single day,
I wake up with a smile on my face."
No...
We all have our rain clouds.
We all have things that make us unhappy.
That make us angry.
That make us sad.
That make us want to do something reckless.
That make us need someone...
or something to love.
So this is my opinion of what we should do to make the best:
Try to be happy with who, where, and what you are.
And if you don't know one of those things,
Don't spend your life trying to find it.
Because you'll waste your days away looking for something that you can't see.

Emotions

The computer can make emotions so fake.
;.; is crying.
Does that really show how we feel?
Gosh we use these symbols like they're our only form of expression.
All we have to do to stop talking to someone online is "block" them.
Uh oh, I blocked you so I hate you.
or I moved you down on my top friends,
so that must mean I'm mad at you.
Or maybe it's just because I only have people on my myspace that I actually talk to.
Not ones who want "friends" who they can't hang out with.
Is that really a friend?
I don't know.
I mean I guess I have a few friends that I never see,
but always talk to.
Or always see,
but never talk to.
I watched a movie today.
It was a wonderful movie about brains getting erased and such.
Anyways,
there was a line that I just can't get out of my head.
"Just because you talk constantly doesn't mean you're really communicating."
Aren't those the most truthful words you've ever read,
or heard,
or imagined?
You can talk to someone for hours and hours,
and only know the side they want you to see.
People can be so fake when it comes to what others can see.
Like take me for instance,
I will never let anyone know something is wrong if it's their fault.
Someone said this about me once:
"you don't want me to feel guilty over things i have no control over, therefore you tell me that things are fine and that you're okay, no matter what, even if you're dying inside just because you don't want to be a burden to anyone."
And it's mostly true.
And my one friend,
she just wants to be exactly like whoever she's hanging out with.
She will just do exactly as the other one does,
except she'll do it sneakily,
and people almost don't notice.
But they do.
And another friend of mine,
he just wants to show people that he can do this.
No matter what it is.
"I can fix this,
I can take that on.
I can smoke
and drink
way more than you can.
I'm better than you."
We don't know why we're like that.
We just are.
It's how we function.
We always have to hide
or copy
or outdo
or want.
We are all afraid.
Afraid people won't like us,
afraid we'll do something wrong,
afraid we'll do something right,
afraid we won't be loved,
afraid we'll be loved by the wrong person,
afraid we'll be used,
afraid we'll use others,
afraid to be us!
I don't get it,
and I doubt any psychologist,
or psychiatrist,
or whatever fucking brain doctors there are,
really do.

People

How is it that all we want is for someone to ask us what's wrong,
but then when they finally do,
We have nothing to tell them?
Well I don't know why,
But that's how I am.
So I'm sorry to anyone that confuses,
offends,
hurts,
etc.
But I really don't care if it does any of that stuff.
I don't care if you're hurt by my words,
All I'm going to do is speak the truth.
I don't care if you're offended,
No matter what I say there will be someone who has to be.
I don't care if you're confused,
You probably shouldn't be reading this if you are though.
Or maybe you should.
Maybe I will answer every question you've ever had,
or maybe I"ll be no help at all.
We'll just have to see.
That's all we can do.
We can't look into a crystal ball,
no matter how much we want to,
and see the future.
All we can do is be ready.
Expect the best,
and Prepare for the worst.
And get lost along the way,
or else the trip is no fun.